Monday, 9 July 2018

Autism & Sleepless Nights

Autism allows you plenty of time to entertain 4am thoughts.

Now that school is out, Autism is front and central , and consumes me.  It's hard to know what the right thing to do is; if I should struggle against it to try and remember who I am, or if I should let go and surrender to it's relentless current.
The urge to hold onto my identity is strong...  I want to read and write and create beautiful things.  I want to have real conversations with real people instead of snatched online sound-bytes.  I want to go shopping with my daughter before she leaves home.  I want to figure out if there is any part of me left that is interesting or creative.  But Autism is voracious and hungry; it primes your adrenals, it doesn't let you sleep, it makes you lonely.  And it just doesn't stop.
Some schools of thought believe it is better to meditate these wants away; if you don't want rest, or fun or friends, then their absence won't hurt you.  It takes a fair bit of energy and concentration to maintain this, though, and when my guard is down, self-pity sneaks in the back door.
I could use the small bit of energy I have struggling to breathe air into a spark, when I'm not even sure the spark exists.
Or I could just stop trying and surrender to it's riptides.

I can see how precious it is to be able to sleep through these thoughts; to express them in dreams that make no sense, or lose them in the deep, silent night.
Until sleep comes, keeping a hold on the real world is a slippery business.


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